Hidan has STDs
by and you fall
Summary: Hidan woke up with the feeling that his penis had shrunk about two inches back into his body. TsunadeHidan. No, I'm serious.


_a/n: Yeah, this is almost exactly like MakeOut Tactics: Crack Edition except with a different pairing... I might do more of these -- they're really fun -- but I'd like to hear from you guys. :_

* * *

**Jiraiya: **Hey, Tsunade. Why are you reading one of my books, eh? Taken a liking to it, have you?

**Tsunade: **Why am I on the cover?

**Jiraiya: **I can explain.

* * *

Tsunade could only remember a few things about the night before, and one was that she had gambled all of her money away, again. She sighed, rubbing her forehead irritably as her headache pounded away in her head, like a million cackling Narutos. Her golden eyes opened hesitantly to the sunlight that was streaming through her windows…

…those weren't her windows.

She sat up, noting in her head that she was bare naked. The Hokage never slept in the nude—who knew when someone would be rushing in with some horrible news? She was in a cheap looking hotel—there were _piss stains_ on the walls, for Kami's sake, and there was some thumping from the wall behind her.

"Oh, this just makes my day perfect," the golden-haired woman groaned, dropping her head in her hands. "My neighbors are fucking and not even trying to be subtle about it."

Her pity-train was stopped when she heard a loud groan, and it was not a groan of pleasure from next door. She froze, and slowly looked down to see that she was not, as she had hoped, alone. There was a man stirring next to her on the bed, with silver hair that was tousled adorably.

"Oh, dear Lord," Tsunade managed to choke out. "K—Kakashi?"

"Ugh," he moaned, and Tsunade screamed. "Ahh! Shut the fuck up, woman!" the man shrieked in return, sitting up but clutching his head in the process. "Holy shit…" he growled, noticing both of their nudity. "Holy shit, holy shit. Jashin will spite for this, seriously. Now all because of you I have to go out and make ten more sacrifices—thanks a lot."

"What…?" Tsunade asked, her voice blank. "You're not Kakashi…"

"Hell no!" he snapped, throwing his arms into the air. "I'm not that dumbass Copy Ninja. I'm Hidan, and—" He stopped, just realizing he'd given away his identity to…

His eyes trailed down.

…the buxom Fifth Hokage.

"Hot damn," was all he managed, feeling light-headed. "Do you think we actually screwed each other?" 

"Most likely, since I am pretty sore in between the legs and we both are naked."

"Good point," he sighed, running a hand through his already messy hair.

* * *

**Hidan: **You have _got _to be kidding me.

**Tobi: **What is it, Hidan-san?

**Deidara: **Holy shit, un! That looks just like the book I lent to Konan-san! AND YOU'RE ON THE COVER, UN!

**Kakuzu: **Oh, Christ.

* * *

Hidan woke up with the feeling that his penis had shrunk about two inches back into his body. He groaned instinctively in response to the pain he felt—genitally, mostly—and shifted, trying vainly to get more comfortable. He heard a feminine voice—_since when did Kakuzu get a sex change…? And why am I naked?_—grumble about the thrusting that was no doubt happening next door.

Now that he was fully awake and realizing that he had most likely banged (un) the loaded Gandaime, he felt like puking until he was all of the taste of her (and I mean, all of it) was gone. Though, she did taste pretty good, like spice cake.

"So, uh…" Hidan was at a loss for words. Hidan was _never _at a loss for words. "…uh."

"Right," she sighed. "Hand me my bra, will you? It's hanging from the lamp next to you."

His eyes slowly trailed to the black, silky, cursed thing that was swaying mockingly at him. "Sure thing," he muttered, reaching over—Tsunade was promptly blinded by the sight of his abdominal muscles—and grabbed the female's clothing. It had a nice texture under his fingers; he suddenly remembered how he took this certain article of clothing off the woman sitting awkwardly next to him. Something involving his teeth, he thought. Though, he wasn't quite sure how that was possible, since his lips had always been either on her neck, her own lips, or places unmentionable. 

She took it from him wordlessly, interrupting his naughty thoughts meanly.

"I think the smartest thing to do here would be to not mention this to anyone ever again. Actually, it's best if we don't even try to think about it. Things will get too complicated and then the author will have to drag it out. We don't want that to happen," Tsunade said, pulling on her black bra. "Clip it in the back, will you?"

"Shit," was all he said, but scooted forward nonetheless. The feeling of her satiny flesh under his fingers was almost maddening, for another memory occurred to our lovable child of Jashin…

"_Just give us a fucking room, okay!"_

_The hotel employee cringed at the silver-haired man's language, but quickly handed them a key over the counter. Hidan grabbed it up, the busty woman giggling as she stumbled along, grasping his arm. The alcohol was really fucking his system up, and he could barely think, let alone move. "Let's take…the damn elevator…" the woman panted, her cheeks a tantalizing shade of pink, her lips moist from his kisses. Hidan nodded hurriedly, pulling her along. He pushed the button, and it glowed a bright yellow—Hidan tapped his foot irritably, briefly distracted by the feeling of her tongue against his neck._

_The elevator was empty, and Hidan quickly went inside, cornering the drunken woman as soon as the doors were closed…_

He hoped someone had had the decency to clean up after them.

* * *

**Tsunade: **Once I am done reading this smut, Jiraiya, you are _dead_. Do you hear me? I will pluck out your eyeballs and soak them in sake and then eat them like fucking grapes. I will castrate you with a rusty spoon. Then I'll sell all your manuscripts and get a fucking fortune and waste it all on gambling and sake.

**Jiraiya: **But—but! Isn't it nice, though?

**Tsunade: **I'm licking his neck! Do you even _KNOW _what happens to some people's necks?

**Jiraiya: **…more licking?

* * *

Tsunade wrapped the sheets around her ample waist and hips as she searched for the rest of her clothes. Hidan had gone to take a shower (after all, mot of the stuff was all over him, since it did come from his penis and all). She wasn't quite sure why she had felt the need to wrap the sheets around her—Hidan had already seen it, and by the feeling between her legs they probably had sex more than once.

Now that she remembered, the number was exactly four times. Actually, four and a half—about thirty minutes into the next screw, they both passed out from exhaustion and alcohol. That would explain why she still felt all wet from sweat and other things unmentionable. She had wiped most of it off with the sheets (which were now a lovely cream color), but she still felt icky. She had banged an (incredibly sexy, mind you) Akatsuki who was in the fucking Bingo Book, for Kami's sake! She was the Hokage—wasn't she supposed to have some morals!

_Though, it was the best sex I've ever had in my life…from what I remember…_

The water from the shower abruptly stopped, and she heard some crashing and then a loud curse, which sounded oddly like "GOD DAMMIT!". She snickered against her will, and had managed to slip on her panties and pants when Hidan stumbled out from the bathroom. "They have fucking rose-scented shampoo in there. In a hotel. They have rose-scented shampoo but when I opened the toilet seat there was a fucking cockroach in there bigger than my fist!"

"I assume you flushed it."

"Hell yeah! I don't want that thing anywhere _near _me!"

She bent down to look under the bed, and Hidan's eyes grew to the size of saucers at the sight of her massive breasts almost spilling from her size-too-small bra. She didn't seem to quite care, for she was too busy looking for her haori and was none too concerned with the fact that Hidan was getting the sudden urge to slam her against the wall and do horrible, horrible things to her womanly flesh.

* * *

**Deidara: **Whoa…Hidan! Tsunade, the Fifth Hokage? She's freaking loaded, un! Lucky you!

**Hidan: **I swear those things weigh ten pounds each. _Seriously. _

**Itachi: **…this again?

**Tobi: **Ahh, Itachi-san! Yes. It appears this time it's Hidan-san and the Fifth Hokage.

**Itachi: **…she has a nice rack.

* * *

"So, uh…" Hidan mumbled, shifting to his other foot. The sensations his crotch were giving him were both sinful and pleasurable. It was making it pretty hard to form an intelligent goodbye. "I guess I'll…see you around, then?"

"Not really. I mean, I am the Hokage, and you're an Akatsuki. Eventually I'll be forced to kill you or something like that."

"Real fucking nice," Hidan said, irritated that she hadn't been touched at all by his sincere hope. Speaking of touching… "…wanna screw one more time?" he asked slyly.

Tsunade blinked, her cheeks going a little pink at his question. "Uh, no thanks. I think four and a half times is enough."

_Not for me, _Hidan thought, staring at her cleavage again. Even with her shirt on, it was indeed a sight to behold. Such Grand Titons. Such Mount Fujis. Such wonderful, wonderful things.

"Well," Tsunade mused, her voice hesitant. "I guess we can mess around a little. But no taking our clothes off. Do you know how difficult it is to get this shirt to fit _just right _so I don't have to worry about my boobs getting out of place?"

Hidan was thoroughly disappointed. "All right, all right. Get on the bed, now, before I stop being horny."

* * *

**Tsunade: **Dear Lord!

**Naruto: **What's that, obaa-san?

**Kakashi: **_IS THAT A NEW VOLUME?_

**Sakura: **Not another one! Tsunade-shishou…why are you touching his—

**Sasuke: **Don't finish that sentence, Sakura.

* * *

"Ah! What are you doing!" Tsunade squeaked in a very weird way. Oh my.

"I believe it's called _foreplay._ Isn't that it?"

"I don't know… You're kind of biting my neck."

"…Hm. You taste good…"

"Thanks?"

"All right, I wonder what will happen if I touch this—"

Another squeak.

"—fucking _excellent_."

* * *

**Kakuzu: **You have STDs, Hidan.

**Hidan: **You're just jealous because I got laid, Kakuzu!

**Konan: **You too? It's like a disease!

**Deidara: **I hope I haven't built up an immunity, un… That Sakura girl is pretty feisty.

**Itachi: **Please tell me you did not just say that, Deidara-san…

* * *

**Tsunade: **Thank Kami that's over with. Okay, Jiriaya…come here. I have something for you…

**Naruto: **Wow, Pervy Sage, I didn't know you could fly! _Believe it. _

**Fin.**


End file.
